It's actually been proven. Whining is the worst sound in the world. If you can be bothered to read it, here is the data: Somebody, Please Shut That Kid Up!
Every parent leaving hospital with a newborn baby, should receive standard-issue Pro-Musicians Earplugs as part of their post-natal party pack. These handy critters have built-in passive noise level filter technology allowing you to hear the music (screaming child) with full acoustic content, whilst protecting your ears from the more dangerous noise levels and frequencies. This is obviously necessary for the child's (your) survival.
As the infant gets older however, and the crying becomes more of a paint-stripping whine, a more robust solution is required, such as these:-
Your child will very quickly learn to either write, or use sign language.
My son has recently taken to saying 'mommy' repeatedly to get my attention, even if I am sitting right next to him. 'Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy' (yes Finn) 'mommy, mommy' (YES FINN) 'mommy, mommy' (YES WHAT THE FUCK I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE OH MY GOD!!) is what I feel like saying but I don't because that would make me a bad parent. I also consider duct taping his mouth shut but by then I've wandered off into very-bad-parent-land and have to just leave the room.
Oh hello wall, let me climb you for the umpteenth time today.
Animals have it so easy. They don't put up with any crap from their young. Take the lioness for example; lying in the African sun, cubs chewing on her ears, headbutting her face, swiping her tail, climbing on her back - after a while her tolerance runs out and she's like, fuck off! And biff, she catapults them into the savannah with one swipe of her giant paw. If they don't get the message ('cos kids are stupid like that), she abandons them to go kill a buffalo or some shit.
Imagine the possibilities. Much like you have a fantasy list of what you would do if you won the lottery? I have a fantasy hit list of people I would kill in toddler-induced frustration if only I was allowed to.
Sho! All this talk of violence and bloodshed in a blog about babies. But I guess if I wrote about all the cute things my son does that would bore the pants off you right?
I thought so.
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