And baby makes 3

It's taken me 10 months to get down with blogging because frankly, I've had my brain in a blender, the one that's labelled 'Mommy'. 

That said, it's good to be back. 

The most commonly-asked question, especially from the sisterhood is this: What is it like being a mother?

(Insert massive gaping hole of silence)

You try to explain to someone who hasn't had a baby what it's like to have a baby and as you fumble around for the words that could possibly sum it up, pulling all manner of metaphors and cliches out your arse, they say (whilst scrolling through the social calendar in their Blackberry) ... "Really, I can just imagine"

OK newsflash:

No you fucking can't.

I thought I could too and shockingly, have never been so wrong about anything in my whole entire life and must confess that I'm not just eating humble pie, but choking on it.  For every mean-spirited, judgemental, careless, throw-away remark I've ever made about mothers and parents, I duly apologise.  To my own mother and all the others who have single-handedly raised not one, but two or three children, I bow before you, unworthy.  All the Dads out there who think the sun shines out of their testicles just because they produced a child and that's about the extent of their responsibilities, shame on you and your hairy, shrivelled up sacks.  You have no idea the balls it really takes to be a man and raise your child. 

Let's just say for the sake of clarity that becoming a mom has given me truck loads of perspective.  And boy, does that suck sometimes.  Being a parent is the ultimate oxymoron.  It gives and takes away in equal quantities and just when you start feeling resentful for having to sacrifice yet another aspect of your life, a tsunami of guilt will crash into your headspace.  And while you sit grinding your teeth with this maddening conflict, your baby trips and falls, smacking his head on the table and right then your heart explodes and the tears (yours) come out of nowhere and you could happily disintegrate the table with one almighty punch as you swoop the screaming infant into your arms and swear eternal love & protection and fuck the pedicure you never really wanted it anyway.

And that just about sums it up, being a parent is a veritable cacophony of conflicting emotions, day and night.  This blog is devoted to all of us unsuspecting mofo's who got caught up in the moment of 'hey wouldn't it be fun to have a baby' and then realised the true meaning of the words 'life changing' and 'sleep deprivation'.

No parent anytime, anywhere will be able to properly describe the feeling of life going from relatively normal to categorically insane, in the time that it takes to push a baby out (worst case scenario: 24 hours).  

New parents: Welcome to the club.  Parents-to-be: Strap yourselves in!