The Truth Hurts

I read this recently Biggest Lie Ever! and decided it was time.  Here are:-

My Top 5 Pregnancy & Parenting Euphemisms 

5. Being a mom is the best thing in the whole world!

Yes it is.  But sometimes it isn't.  And that's the part they always leave out.  Sometimes it's bat-shit boring.  Sometimes you feel like bailing, cashing in your life insurance policies and hitting the high road.  Sometimes you would give a vital organ away just to catch a break from the relentless grind of routine and early, early mornings.  Sometimes you can barely fathom the amount of physical pain you are in, just from lifting, carrying, schlepping, bending over baths and changing stations every single day, several times a day & through the night.  Sometimes (often) you will think 'this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life' and shake your head in disbelief at the silly people who didn't warn you about this part.  It doesn't make you a bad parent, it makes you normal.

4. Once you get the hang of it, breastfeeding is easy, and the most natural thing in the world

* Sigh * If only.  Did you know there are women who hate breastfeeding?  Who find the whole act utterly repugnant and cannot physically bring themselves to do it?  Here is just one example.  No-one mentions the hell of those first 6 weeks.  In the grip of my own torment, my older sister sent me a version of her experience:-

"I remember lying naked on the couch and sobbing while covering myself with gripe water so that my baby would latch onto my burning nipples. It was a horrific start to motherhood following a painful emergency c-section and really no idea what I was doing.  I've realised no-one tells you this stuff, because it is a really brief period, and once everything kicks into gear, all is forgotten. The amnesia is essential to having another baby."

Breastfeeding is difficult.  A curse of a-thousand wrinkles on all the chat forums and women out there who make other mothers feel like shit because they couldn't get it right.

3.  Kids put strain on a relationship but over time things will return to normal

Excuse me while I finish laughing my ass off.  Let me tell you how it really goes.  You have a baby.  Your baby becomes more important than your husband.  You realise this isn't temporary.  There is a massive paradigm shift in your relationship and things are never quite the same.  The End.

2.  Pregnancy makes you feel like a goddess

At around 5 months pregnant, when the morning sickness has passed and your skin looks photoshopped, you have a really cute belly and all you want to do is have sex (thank you hormones) then OK, you can get away with the goddess talk.  But when you're 9 months pregnant and you've gained 147 kilos, have varicose veins, heartburn, water retention, and can neither sleep, sit nor stand? Well then I'm afraid the word goddess is replaced with glutinous mass and the whole entire universe can just go to hell.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SPOT GOES TO:-

1. Labour pain is just like period pain

Whoever is reading this out there in the big, wide world; kindly pass this on to the sisterhood because they don't need to be lied to for one more second.  It all ends right here, right now.  

When you go into labour, the early stages are maybe a bit like period pain, yes.  Fine.  But that only lasts for what, like, 3 hours?  This is the point at which you are still able to talk, breathe, smile and even walk up & down a little whilst holding gently onto your hubby's hand who's making funny noises. You might even manage a wee little frown every time you feel that pressure coming on.  Cue second stage labour.  

It's right about now that you start to wonder what goddamn moron wrote in all those magazines you read, that labour feels like period pain.  You wonder if in fact, these women don't belong to a sadistic cult that lull you into a false sense of security and then send you crashing headlong into more pain than you're ever likely to feel.  This is when you lose the ability to make sense.  All you can muster is a primal bellow; you wish you didn't sound like this in front of your husband and five complete strangers but your body has taken on a life of its own.  It feels like your insides are killing you - you're fairly positive every organ is being pulverised by your contracting uterus which kinda makes sense because it's trying to squeeze a human being out of your vagina.  The midwife makes you walk around to help the baby's movement down the birth canal but every time a contraction hits, you crumple like a stack of cards.  The pain is so intense you can't even see, your eyes roll back in your head and it's all you can do not to die right there on the floor.  If anyone says the wrong thing or touches you in the wrong place, you want to stab them repeatedly but can't muster the energy.  This can go on for up to 12 hours.  Sometimes you even vomit and shit yourself.  

So let's conclude:

Labour pain is NOTHING like period pain.  Labour pain is like bring crushed alive.  Period pain is labour pain's bitch!